One of my own favorite things as a kid, and into college even, was choosing a title for a paper. I love a catchy name. Puns and ridiculousness welcome. I would name very serious paper with a wacky title. I'm sure my professors loved that...
And at this stage of life, many of my friends are having babies. The question is always, "What will the name be?" It's a HUGE decision! You can't name a baby the same thing your friend did, or give them the name of your creepy third grade teacher, or the name of your husband's ex-girlfriend! You can't pick a name that's too popular...you can't pick a name that's too strange...(try finding names that go with Sabelhaus. Abel was out right away.)
Have you ever been called a name that stung long after it was thrown at you? Loser. Fat. Ugly. Worthless. Why do we obsess with names? Why do they hold so much meaning?
For some reason, I've been reading books that address this theme of naming. (Not name it and claim it prosperity theology....no, no, no. Run away.) I'm working through The Genesis Trilogy by Madeline L'Engle and I just finished One Thousand Gifts: Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. How I love these women! Both share a beautiful use of the English language. They both tend farms and children and the mind. Well, I'm no farmer. (I do some yard work and love the outdoors.) But I most definitely am a mom and a thinker. There's so many great people in this world I admire, but with these women I find a certain kinship. Like they would understand my brain and heart more than most. And they both find "naming" to be essential to a joyous relationship between God and the people he created.
From Madeleine L'Engle's And It Was Good:
"When Adam named the animals he made them real. My dog is named Timothy and my cat is named Titus. Farmers do not let their children name the animals who are going to be slaughtered or put in the pot. It is not easy to eat a ham you have known as Wilbur or a chicken called Flossy. When we respond to our names, or call someone else by name, it is already the beginning of a community expressing the image of God. To call someone by name is an act of prayer. We may abuse our names, and our prayer, but without names we are not human. And Adam and Eve, no matter what else they were, were human. At first there was nothing but joy, joy in being created, and in worshipping the God who had created them. And wonder: wonder at sunrises and starfish and dolphin and even dandelions....Were Adam and Eve beginning to take the image of God in themselves and loveliness of Eden for granted? Is that why they fell for Satan's temptations? When we take things for granted, then what we have is not enough, and we are rendered vulnerable to the wiles of the tempter."
From Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts:
"Naming is Edenic. I name gifts and go back to the Garden and God in the beginning who first speaks a name and lets what is come into existence. This naming is how the first emptiness of space fills: the naming of light and land and sky. This first man's first task is to name. Adam completes creation with his Maker through the act of naming creatures, releasing the land from chaos, from the teeming, indefinable mass. I am seeing it too... naming offers the gift of recognition. When I name moments-string out laundry and name-pray, thank You, Lord, for bedsheets in billowing winds, for fluff of sparrow landing on line, sun winter warm, and one last leaf still hanging in the orchard- I am Adam and I discover my meaning and God's, and to name is to learn the language of Paradise. This naming work never ends for all the children of Adam. Naming to find an identity, our identity, God's."
Aren't those passages so very, very similar? I picked up these two books a week apart without any knowledge that some of the content would overlap. And I received a strong message that when we "forget" to physically put pen to paper or voice to speech or instrument to song or brush to painting or feet to dance or whatever part of you can express thanks in a tangible way...we choose to ignore God's innumerable blessings. We focus on ourselves. It is blatantly clear that by ourselves, humans are found lacking. We complain and compare. We feed the monsters of bitterness and jealousy. And we simultaneously push away God who is the only way to make us complete. Creativity, worship, gratitude- they all put a right perspective on who we are and how great God is. Ann Voskamp observed how impossible it is to be joyless while you are in the act of giving thanks. So she proposes that we "name" or write down all the gifts God has given us. All of them. If you want to know more, visit her website at http://onethousandgifts.com/. There's much more to the book, and I won't spoil it for you. But I love the simple and practical application of just putting into words what God gives us each day.
Reminds me of the old song,"Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your many blessings see what God has done." Or "every blessing you pour out I turn back to praise." Or what we're studying in our sermon series right now at church: "Bless the Lord, oh my soul and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of his benefits (Psalm 103:1-2)." We sing it at church and read it in the Bible, but do we apply it? Do we really want joy, peace, and to find out that ourselves and our complaints are pretty small potatoes most of the time?
So I attempt to name the things for which I am thankful. I practice being thankful on good days and the not so good. I hung poster board by the back door. I grab a marker when I think of something and pause to write it down. By God's grace we do not receive what we deserve- eternal separation from God. Instead, we receive...
Magnolia petals
Son's giggles
Daughter's crazy dances
Smell of coffee beans
And on...and on...
A good friend put this on facebook the other day. (He wants to credit it to Chris Rice since he was listening to a song of his at the time...but he's a pretty wise man himself.) "Peace comes when we realize: how small we are, how big God is and just how much He really loves us." I think practicing gratitude is the perfect start to this realization process and this path to peace.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Weak
What do babies, Stephen Hawking, and a bad cup of coffee have in common? (Psssst...look at the title...) Yep. They are weak. Opposite of strong. Yeah, I know. Terrible riddle. But I can't think of a better way to introduce this. And on the onset, we think of those who are frail, tiny, and paralyzed as some of the most helpless in our world. BUT...there's this paradox.
When we were expecting our first bundle of joy, we went to great lengths to prepare for her. Rooms were painted, items were pondered and purchased, cribs were assembled, books were read, and there was a great stir in the circle of people we knew- a tiny helpless little baby forever changed our world. Likewise, what an impact "helpless" people such as Stephen Hawking, Christopher Reeve, and Joni Eareckson Tada have had despite their physical limitations. (And I will drive miles and miles to avoid a weak cup of coffee.) Weakness can be a powerful agent of love, power, and change. Weakness can force a reaction.
For close to two years now...my body has been weak. Just typing that makes my face distort a bit in a grimace. I hate admitting my weakness. I...ahem...am a rather independent person (I'm sure my husband can attest...he probably just rolled his eyes a little.). I hate asking for help. As my body has been fighting this crazy disease, one of the most frustrating things is just the weakness that comes along with it. And just as I think I'm getting strong again and tipping the scales to be heavy on the side of healthy, I've been sinking into weakness yet again.
It's never a good sign when your doctor's office calls you four times in one day. My routine blood tests came back a bit screwy in mid March, and my doctor had me go back for more to see where I was at right now. The results came last week, and most concerning is my liver function. I guess my liver decided to take a vacation but forgot to tell me. Livers are sneaky like that. I guess you can go a long time without obvious symptoms when your liver is unhappy. Who knew? The best guess right now is that it's a side effect from one of the medications I take. So that explains why I've been feeling run down even though I'm supposed to be feeling pretty good right now. So I was directed to stop taking my meds and did more blood work which came back a little better and now I check in with docs and do more tests and try to figure out what the best course of action is from here. Because I'm sick because of the meds and yet sick without them...so, time to figure that one out.
Honestly, when I was really sick last year, I was worried and scared, but so weak I just had to turn it over to God because I really couldn't do much else. Last week, however, I was frightened and angry. Really? Freak side effect equals possible damage to my liver? Just when things were kind of normal? So I...cleaned. And hung up pictures. And took my kids hiking. (And as a result spent a day on the couch feeling crappy.) But I COULD, at least, and I suppose it's a more positive response than curling up in a ball. And I talked with God a LOT. And I asked my family to pray. But it's difficult for me to share this kind of thing with the world at large. I make all kinds of justifications....I don't want others to worry unnecessarily. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want my situation to take away from others in more dire need. Explaining the whole thing takes too long. I can still do a lot of "normal" stuff. And so forth. But a lot of times, I just don't want others to know my weakness. I look just fine on the outside. So move along, people...nothing to see here!
It's been hard for me to ask publicly for healing or prayer. I seriously have an aversion to going to the alter at church to pray and I'm sure that's a "whole nuther ball of wax" as one of my former teachers would say...But I pray personally for healing. And if I go into lifelong remission (no real "cure" to ulcerative colitis) due to medical care or miraculous healing from God, I will give all credit to Him. And if I struggle with this disease for the rest of my physical life, in my heart of hearts, I will humbly accept that God has a far bigger plan and more glory will go to Him than if I had a perfectly healthy body. I just keep coming back to this. Time after time (Cue Cyndi Lauper):
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it (thorn in the flesh) away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)
Paradox. When I am weak, then I am strong. So let this be my first boast: I am weak right now. But my God...He is the very definition of strength and power. I'm not delighting in my weakness quite yet...but I will continue to praise God for the things I'm learning through being weak. And I will praise Him for the countless blessings in my life that far surpass the one obstacle of a not-so-healthy physical body.
I have an ultrasound to check out my liver later this week. Also about a million and one blood tests that I should get results for soon. I hope my liver is happily back to work and things keep improving (Really, I've been feeling good the last couple days!), so your prayers for healing are appreciated. But I ask that you pray more that God's power is made perfect in me...and in you...through our weaknesses.
When we were expecting our first bundle of joy, we went to great lengths to prepare for her. Rooms were painted, items were pondered and purchased, cribs were assembled, books were read, and there was a great stir in the circle of people we knew- a tiny helpless little baby forever changed our world. Likewise, what an impact "helpless" people such as Stephen Hawking, Christopher Reeve, and Joni Eareckson Tada have had despite their physical limitations. (And I will drive miles and miles to avoid a weak cup of coffee.) Weakness can be a powerful agent of love, power, and change. Weakness can force a reaction.
For close to two years now...my body has been weak. Just typing that makes my face distort a bit in a grimace. I hate admitting my weakness. I...ahem...am a rather independent person (I'm sure my husband can attest...he probably just rolled his eyes a little.). I hate asking for help. As my body has been fighting this crazy disease, one of the most frustrating things is just the weakness that comes along with it. And just as I think I'm getting strong again and tipping the scales to be heavy on the side of healthy, I've been sinking into weakness yet again.
It's never a good sign when your doctor's office calls you four times in one day. My routine blood tests came back a bit screwy in mid March, and my doctor had me go back for more to see where I was at right now. The results came last week, and most concerning is my liver function. I guess my liver decided to take a vacation but forgot to tell me. Livers are sneaky like that. I guess you can go a long time without obvious symptoms when your liver is unhappy. Who knew? The best guess right now is that it's a side effect from one of the medications I take. So that explains why I've been feeling run down even though I'm supposed to be feeling pretty good right now. So I was directed to stop taking my meds and did more blood work which came back a little better and now I check in with docs and do more tests and try to figure out what the best course of action is from here. Because I'm sick because of the meds and yet sick without them...so, time to figure that one out.
Honestly, when I was really sick last year, I was worried and scared, but so weak I just had to turn it over to God because I really couldn't do much else. Last week, however, I was frightened and angry. Really? Freak side effect equals possible damage to my liver? Just when things were kind of normal? So I...cleaned. And hung up pictures. And took my kids hiking. (And as a result spent a day on the couch feeling crappy.) But I COULD, at least, and I suppose it's a more positive response than curling up in a ball. And I talked with God a LOT. And I asked my family to pray. But it's difficult for me to share this kind of thing with the world at large. I make all kinds of justifications....I don't want others to worry unnecessarily. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want my situation to take away from others in more dire need. Explaining the whole thing takes too long. I can still do a lot of "normal" stuff. And so forth. But a lot of times, I just don't want others to know my weakness. I look just fine on the outside. So move along, people...nothing to see here!
It's been hard for me to ask publicly for healing or prayer. I seriously have an aversion to going to the alter at church to pray and I'm sure that's a "whole nuther ball of wax" as one of my former teachers would say...But I pray personally for healing. And if I go into lifelong remission (no real "cure" to ulcerative colitis) due to medical care or miraculous healing from God, I will give all credit to Him. And if I struggle with this disease for the rest of my physical life, in my heart of hearts, I will humbly accept that God has a far bigger plan and more glory will go to Him than if I had a perfectly healthy body. I just keep coming back to this. Time after time (Cue Cyndi Lauper):
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it (thorn in the flesh) away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)
Paradox. When I am weak, then I am strong. So let this be my first boast: I am weak right now. But my God...He is the very definition of strength and power. I'm not delighting in my weakness quite yet...but I will continue to praise God for the things I'm learning through being weak. And I will praise Him for the countless blessings in my life that far surpass the one obstacle of a not-so-healthy physical body.
I have an ultrasound to check out my liver later this week. Also about a million and one blood tests that I should get results for soon. I hope my liver is happily back to work and things keep improving (Really, I've been feeling good the last couple days!), so your prayers for healing are appreciated. But I ask that you pray more that God's power is made perfect in me...and in you...through our weaknesses.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Learning to Walk
I've been camped out in the Peters and Johns for my Bible reading lately. Unlike Paul, those guys were not into long letter writing. It cracks me up that John says, in essence, "I'd rather tell you this in person and not waste the paper and ink!" So I've kind of just been reading and re-reading these short letters to let them sink in a little. A few days ago, 2 John 1:9 stuck out, "Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son."
The rusty wheels in my brain were turning. How many times have I tried to run ahead of God? I think I know what the next step is in life, and I run with it! Forgetting the Bible's teaching, I plow ahead of my own accord, taking on too much, and trying to make everything happen in my own power, leaving a wake of destruction behind that includes a lot of ugliness towards those I'm supposed to love the most! My life becomes an unmanageable sprint and soon I wear out and am forced to take a breather. It's at these points I remember to wait for God, who calmly strolls up and takes my hand. And then, we walk together until I get the notion that I need to run ahead again.
I don't think I'm alone in this, either. I see many Christians running around stressed out at all the tasks they must "do for God!" And certainly there are seasons where we just have more on our plates than others...but if we are continually busy, busy, busy...hmmm. Something has to give. And I think the thing that gets left behind is usually love. Consider 2 John 1:6: "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." Loving God takes intentional time spent with Him. It takes time to learn his commands and probably a lot more time to obey them and learn how to filter out the unnecessary things that have crept into our lives. Loving people takes time. You cannot sprint through life and expect to love well. And you can't refuse to move either...you must learn to walk.
So...are there any times when God asks us to run with him? Yes, I think so. And those are awesome times. One of my favorite verses, Isaiah 40:31, says...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. The only way we can be strong enough to run (Soar, even!) is to have discipline and do it with God, not by running ahead without him. The fastest marathon runners in the world didn't wake up one day, sign up for a race, and run sub-five minute miles for 26 plus miles! They worked incredibly hard to be able to run that fast for that long. And they STILL need periods of rest between runs. So we shouldn't be surprised that we go through seasons where our walk slows to a crawl, seasons of walking, and some seasons where God prepares us to run and soar. And when we stay close with him, he will give us wisdom to know when to slow down and when to speed up. Only God can soar 24/7, but he chose to send a Son who was human and had to rest like us. He also gives us the Holy Spirit that slows down to walk with us when we invite him to do so.
I feel like I'm living this out in my spiritual AND physical life lately. If you look back a few years in this blog, I got back into running about a year after my third baby was born. I have a hard time not hibernating during winter (Who doesn't?), but during the warmer months, I was pretty consistent in at least getting out to jog until this whole chronic illness thing. After a year and a half, I have yet to get back to running. On my better days, I do some extra walking with the doggie or kids, but my body just can't run yet. Hopefully I will keep feeling pretty good and build up some strength and endurance and be back chugging along at my turtle pace soon. But my goal of doing a half marathon before I'm 40 may have to wait awhile....seasons, seasons. But I CAN walk. Physically. Spiritually. I will walk.
Stress, worry, and exhaustion are not of God. In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus quotes Isaiah and says,“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I don't want to be the woman trying to sprint through life with heavy burdens, breaking down time and again. I want to be the one walking with Jesus every single step with love, gentleness, humility, and a rested soul. So...let's start walking.
The rusty wheels in my brain were turning. How many times have I tried to run ahead of God? I think I know what the next step is in life, and I run with it! Forgetting the Bible's teaching, I plow ahead of my own accord, taking on too much, and trying to make everything happen in my own power, leaving a wake of destruction behind that includes a lot of ugliness towards those I'm supposed to love the most! My life becomes an unmanageable sprint and soon I wear out and am forced to take a breather. It's at these points I remember to wait for God, who calmly strolls up and takes my hand. And then, we walk together until I get the notion that I need to run ahead again.
I don't think I'm alone in this, either. I see many Christians running around stressed out at all the tasks they must "do for God!" And certainly there are seasons where we just have more on our plates than others...but if we are continually busy, busy, busy...hmmm. Something has to give. And I think the thing that gets left behind is usually love. Consider 2 John 1:6: "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." Loving God takes intentional time spent with Him. It takes time to learn his commands and probably a lot more time to obey them and learn how to filter out the unnecessary things that have crept into our lives. Loving people takes time. You cannot sprint through life and expect to love well. And you can't refuse to move either...you must learn to walk.
So...are there any times when God asks us to run with him? Yes, I think so. And those are awesome times. One of my favorite verses, Isaiah 40:31, says...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. The only way we can be strong enough to run (Soar, even!) is to have discipline and do it with God, not by running ahead without him. The fastest marathon runners in the world didn't wake up one day, sign up for a race, and run sub-five minute miles for 26 plus miles! They worked incredibly hard to be able to run that fast for that long. And they STILL need periods of rest between runs. So we shouldn't be surprised that we go through seasons where our walk slows to a crawl, seasons of walking, and some seasons where God prepares us to run and soar. And when we stay close with him, he will give us wisdom to know when to slow down and when to speed up. Only God can soar 24/7, but he chose to send a Son who was human and had to rest like us. He also gives us the Holy Spirit that slows down to walk with us when we invite him to do so.
I feel like I'm living this out in my spiritual AND physical life lately. If you look back a few years in this blog, I got back into running about a year after my third baby was born. I have a hard time not hibernating during winter (Who doesn't?), but during the warmer months, I was pretty consistent in at least getting out to jog until this whole chronic illness thing. After a year and a half, I have yet to get back to running. On my better days, I do some extra walking with the doggie or kids, but my body just can't run yet. Hopefully I will keep feeling pretty good and build up some strength and endurance and be back chugging along at my turtle pace soon. But my goal of doing a half marathon before I'm 40 may have to wait awhile....seasons, seasons. But I CAN walk. Physically. Spiritually. I will walk.
Stress, worry, and exhaustion are not of God. In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus quotes Isaiah and says,“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I don't want to be the woman trying to sprint through life with heavy burdens, breaking down time and again. I want to be the one walking with Jesus every single step with love, gentleness, humility, and a rested soul. So...let's start walking.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tender Heart
(***Warning*** I am not a trained psychologist, but I do like to self-reflect.)
You know those personality tests they always want you to take in psychology classes and staff development workshops? Whether it's colors(Blue!) or letters(Feeling!) or animals(Golden Retriever!), mine pretty much come out the same way. I score pretty equal on logic and creativity. I score a little lower on the adventure/spontaneous side of things and a little higher on the loyalty/take care of details side of things. I'm about equal introvert vs. extrovert. But I always score highest on anything that asks if I'm driven by emotion/relationships. Because that's simply me. Emotions are big. And I love people.
I could always see some of the value in being made up this way...having a strong empathy for others means I go above and beyond to get along with people. I have always been passionate about...well....everything and everybody. So I am driven and do my best at work and at home and at church. Good things, right? But in the back of my mind I always thought that this was kind of an obstacle to overcome. Because I am also easily overwhelmed by...everything and everybody. Cry when I am sad, angry, happy, inspired, tired, sick, scared, excited, hungry. I used to cry when people won on the Price is Right. (Ok, I still do that.) There are simply many books and movies I have decided to stay away from altogether because I will be either terrified out of my mind or I know it will cause a black hole of sadness.(A healthy tender heart needs some boundaries.)
So many times I have consciously and unconsciously asked God to make me less emotional or at least more emotionally tough. It would be cool to be more adventurous and bungee jump for God or be an EMT and save people's lives without passing out because I heard the word "lipid." It would be awesome to be a person of boldness who freely speaks their opinions without fear of what it would do to the relationships with my 433 facebook friends.
And YET. I think it is counterproductive and even against God's will for my life when I try to be somebody else's personality. Yeah, there's a long list of weaknesses that could use some work. But I'm starting to find out that there's a lot more value in embracing the personality that God has given me and striving after the person I was made to be...instead of trying to be more like somebody else. And I have been given a very tender and passionate heart.
So...what do I DO with that? Well kids, let's form a circle and sing Kumbayha around the campfire and then watch Steel Magnolias and cry our eyes out.
Noooo. Just kidding. But I do have some clues:
1. I have recently ventured into territories unknown for the past decade- simply singing at church, in front, without having a large instrument to hide behind. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is. But if I have a lot of passion and emotion...if I am being sensitive to the message...the congregation...the music...the Holy Spirit...this will make me a better equipped to lead others in worship. As a translator almost. (Not being crazy emotional just to be crazy emotional.) But taking what was heard from the Bible and turning that into an honest and edifying emotional response...giving God glory...thankfulness...humility...joy...praise...stillness. You get it. I'm still a little guarded...a bit awkward I'm sure. But I'll get there. I'm so thankful to have others around me with large hearts to learn from!
2. God has used my tender heart to make me a person who prays constantly. If I'm broken hearted over people, their sin, or their situations, I will pray about it. Sometimes there's not a lot I can do physically for someone or about something, but I can pray. Sometimes I'm broken hearted about myself or my own situation, and so I pray...it helps to keep the emotion in check and not turn it into self-serving stuff like pity or bitterness. Sometimes praying has shown me that I do, in fact, need to put my compassion into a clear course of action. Sometimes it gives me peace that God's got it, and I over-reacted, and it is not my personal responsibility to save the universe...or at least all the doggies and kitties that come on the screen when Sarah MacLachlan sings a sad, sad, song.
3. I am a good balance to those on Team God who have other gifts. I admire those who are great at managing money, who have vision to see where the church is going, and who love serving in rooms full of babies. Those are all strengths I simply do not have. But if you need me to get to the heart of the matter? I got that. I will remind you that hard hearts need to go. It's also a gift that's beneficial to my family. I need my strong and stoic husband to pull me back when I go off the deep end. He needs me to know it's ok to venture into deeper waters. Our kids can learn from us both. (Although I wish that Angry Mom and Angry Wife made less appearances.)
So, do you have a tender heart like I do? Do you see it as a strength or a weakness?
Psalm 51:17
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
You know those personality tests they always want you to take in psychology classes and staff development workshops? Whether it's colors(Blue!) or letters(Feeling!) or animals(Golden Retriever!), mine pretty much come out the same way. I score pretty equal on logic and creativity. I score a little lower on the adventure/spontaneous side of things and a little higher on the loyalty/take care of details side of things. I'm about equal introvert vs. extrovert. But I always score highest on anything that asks if I'm driven by emotion/relationships. Because that's simply me. Emotions are big. And I love people.
I could always see some of the value in being made up this way...having a strong empathy for others means I go above and beyond to get along with people. I have always been passionate about...well....everything and everybody. So I am driven and do my best at work and at home and at church. Good things, right? But in the back of my mind I always thought that this was kind of an obstacle to overcome. Because I am also easily overwhelmed by...everything and everybody. Cry when I am sad, angry, happy, inspired, tired, sick, scared, excited, hungry. I used to cry when people won on the Price is Right. (Ok, I still do that.) There are simply many books and movies I have decided to stay away from altogether because I will be either terrified out of my mind or I know it will cause a black hole of sadness.(A healthy tender heart needs some boundaries.)
So many times I have consciously and unconsciously asked God to make me less emotional or at least more emotionally tough. It would be cool to be more adventurous and bungee jump for God or be an EMT and save people's lives without passing out because I heard the word "lipid." It would be awesome to be a person of boldness who freely speaks their opinions without fear of what it would do to the relationships with my 433 facebook friends.
And YET. I think it is counterproductive and even against God's will for my life when I try to be somebody else's personality. Yeah, there's a long list of weaknesses that could use some work. But I'm starting to find out that there's a lot more value in embracing the personality that God has given me and striving after the person I was made to be...instead of trying to be more like somebody else. And I have been given a very tender and passionate heart.
So...what do I DO with that? Well kids, let's form a circle and sing Kumbayha around the campfire and then watch Steel Magnolias and cry our eyes out.
Noooo. Just kidding. But I do have some clues:
1. I have recently ventured into territories unknown for the past decade- simply singing at church, in front, without having a large instrument to hide behind. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is. But if I have a lot of passion and emotion...if I am being sensitive to the message...the congregation...the music...the Holy Spirit...this will make me a better equipped to lead others in worship. As a translator almost. (Not being crazy emotional just to be crazy emotional.) But taking what was heard from the Bible and turning that into an honest and edifying emotional response...giving God glory...thankfulness...humility...joy...praise...stillness. You get it. I'm still a little guarded...a bit awkward I'm sure. But I'll get there. I'm so thankful to have others around me with large hearts to learn from!
2. God has used my tender heart to make me a person who prays constantly. If I'm broken hearted over people, their sin, or their situations, I will pray about it. Sometimes there's not a lot I can do physically for someone or about something, but I can pray. Sometimes I'm broken hearted about myself or my own situation, and so I pray...it helps to keep the emotion in check and not turn it into self-serving stuff like pity or bitterness. Sometimes praying has shown me that I do, in fact, need to put my compassion into a clear course of action. Sometimes it gives me peace that God's got it, and I over-reacted, and it is not my personal responsibility to save the universe...or at least all the doggies and kitties that come on the screen when Sarah MacLachlan sings a sad, sad, song.
3. I am a good balance to those on Team God who have other gifts. I admire those who are great at managing money, who have vision to see where the church is going, and who love serving in rooms full of babies. Those are all strengths I simply do not have. But if you need me to get to the heart of the matter? I got that. I will remind you that hard hearts need to go. It's also a gift that's beneficial to my family. I need my strong and stoic husband to pull me back when I go off the deep end. He needs me to know it's ok to venture into deeper waters. Our kids can learn from us both. (Although I wish that Angry Mom and Angry Wife made less appearances.)
So, do you have a tender heart like I do? Do you see it as a strength or a weakness?
Psalm 51:17
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
I Want to Tell You I Love You
I want to tell you I love you.
I knew you before you were born, before your parents were born, before your grandparents were born. I saw you, and it was love at first sight. You are unlike any other person in all of time. I have given you dreams and talents and quirks that no one else shares. I have a purpose for you and only you.
I want to tell you I love you.
Those days of sunshine that are delicious and warm, full of waving trees and fresh cut grass. The miracle of water ebbing, flowing. Those sunsets that take your breath away and the thunderclouds that seem too massive to be real. I made them for you as hints of my love.
I want to tell you I love you.
I know every injustice done to you. I know every hurt and I grieve with you. Every single person in this life will fail you at least once. One of the hardest parts of life is knowing when to forgive and move forward and when it's time to step away. But I will never fail you. Never.
I want to tell you I love you.
I know that the circumstances of your life will not always make sense. Human beings and the world are finite. Limited. Sin has personal and corporate consequence. Faith in an infinite God of truth and love is not easy. Trust in an infinite God of truth and love is not common.
I want to tell you I love you.
True love is never selfish and it does not manipulate. I will never force you or trick you to love me back. The gift of decision is yours. I will send reminders of my love throughout your life. Through words and people and nature and art and more. Birth to death.
I want to tell you I love you.
When you consider my love, I am a breath away. A split-second. A heart beat. It does not matter what you have done, what you have not done, what you have thought about doing. There's grace for it all. Every single second. So, I can start now...healing that gaping ache inside. I want to replace it. With Hope. Life. Love eternal.
I want to tell you I love you.
Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Dedicated to those with big hurts, big questions, and those trying to find where they fit. So, pretty much all of us...
I knew you before you were born, before your parents were born, before your grandparents were born. I saw you, and it was love at first sight. You are unlike any other person in all of time. I have given you dreams and talents and quirks that no one else shares. I have a purpose for you and only you.
I want to tell you I love you.
Those days of sunshine that are delicious and warm, full of waving trees and fresh cut grass. The miracle of water ebbing, flowing. Those sunsets that take your breath away and the thunderclouds that seem too massive to be real. I made them for you as hints of my love.
I want to tell you I love you.
I know every injustice done to you. I know every hurt and I grieve with you. Every single person in this life will fail you at least once. One of the hardest parts of life is knowing when to forgive and move forward and when it's time to step away. But I will never fail you. Never.
I want to tell you I love you.
I know that the circumstances of your life will not always make sense. Human beings and the world are finite. Limited. Sin has personal and corporate consequence. Faith in an infinite God of truth and love is not easy. Trust in an infinite God of truth and love is not common.
I want to tell you I love you.
True love is never selfish and it does not manipulate. I will never force you or trick you to love me back. The gift of decision is yours. I will send reminders of my love throughout your life. Through words and people and nature and art and more. Birth to death.
I want to tell you I love you.
When you consider my love, I am a breath away. A split-second. A heart beat. It does not matter what you have done, what you have not done, what you have thought about doing. There's grace for it all. Every single second. So, I can start now...healing that gaping ache inside. I want to replace it. With Hope. Life. Love eternal.
I want to tell you I love you.
Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Dedicated to those with big hurts, big questions, and those trying to find where they fit. So, pretty much all of us...
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Warning: Experienced Mom Tells All
This post is for all you mommas out there. It occurred to me as I was cleaning what I can only guess is cat or dog vomit from the new front room carpet, that I am not a newbie mom anymore. (I don't know why my best thinking is done during chores like this...but ahhh, such is my glamorous life.)
All of my kids are pretty much "big kids" now. My baby will turn five this summer and will head off to the kindergarten in August. In some ways it seems like they are growing so fast; some periods of time from the past nine years of motherhood have become a blur in my memory. But in most ways, I am just so happy to be where we are right exactly now. Everyone can talk, walk, and use the bathroom for themselves. No one has hit the drama and hormones of the pre-teen years yet. Parenthood is never easy, mind you. I have to break up fights over the Wii daily. But I have deemed this the "golden age" and will delight in it while it's here!
So I've been living it up here in pre-school/elementary wonderland, and my little guy and I have been going on fun adventures before he goes to the Big K in the fall. And we've met lots of parents and kiddos doing the same thing. This time around, however, I feel like I am the one who's been around the momma block more than most. I'm the one who's been through the nights of little sleep and toddler-proofing and tantrums and came out wiser and stronger on the other side. Let's face it, while our little darlings learn so much during the first few years of life, the learning curve for parents seems just as steep!
So as I look back on my time as a parent...I remember myself as a new mom barely balancing full time work and irregular hours and pumping breast milk in my car before a meeting and how new and scary everything was even though my little baby girl was well worth any sacrifice. I remember becoming a family of four and how grown-up I thought my tiny 19 month old girl seemed next to her new baby brother. I remember going back to work barely 6 weeks after giving birth so our family would survive and getting a phone call that there was a mistake and I still owed money on my first baby before getting the hospital bills for the second. I remember how having my third baby seemed almost like a vacation in the hospital (A room to myself, room service, and only one child to care for? Cake, I tell you! CAKE!). I remember how freeing it was to know I didn't have to go back to work as I made the transition to stay-at-home mom. Until the months rolled by, and I felt isolated and overwhelmed by three young children who demanded all my time and energy and even the simplest outings led to meltdowns of kids and mom alike.
I love my kids fiercely. All of my kids are beautiful, smart, God-given wonders and there are so many milestones to celebrate during their first years on planet earth...I am incredibly thankful and humbled to be their mom. But early parenthood was hard. Physically hard. Emotionally hard. Financially hard. Plain stinkin' hard. So if your babies have you grasping at the last straws of your sanity...you are certainly among friends here.
I have met those moms who just seem to be supernaturally gifted and love every aspect of being a mom of babies and young children. If that's you, then more power to you, Momma! Rock that spit-up on each shoulder. Truly, I learn a lot from you and am amazed at you. But I think I am just more gifted when it comes to relating to older kids. Kids that understand logic. And empathy. And sarcasm. (Yessss...much sarcasm...) So if you are in survival mode as a parent right now, let me encourage you. You will sleep an entire night again someday. Drool and poo will no longer be on every item of clothing you own. They will not surely die if you allow them to watch an extra hour of TV on difficult days. Give yourself a little grace. You have never been a parent before, and no one has ever parented these particular kids at this particular time before. You can seek good advice, read good parenting books, and Google until the sun goes down and comes back up, and you are still going to make parenting mistakes. But God has entrusted YOU with this child and He will be there even when you feel like another second of parenting will drive you bananas. I love the wording of the NIV version of this Bible verse, "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6) We are responsible for giving them a good start. (Yes, the very best start we can!) But God holds the responsibility of fulfilling his promise.
When I was pretty much hanging on by a thread of the very end of my parenting rope a few years ago, God gave me an excellent vision that illustrates this verse. Now, I'm not usually one who claims visions from God, but during a prayer time at church one evening, my mind clearly saw my kids- beautiful, strong and grown-up- laughing and running towards Jesus with outstretched arms. In that moment, suddenly I saw the fulfillment of that very verse. Not only were my kids not turning away from Christ, they were running full speed toward him! That encourages me to keep being the parent I know I need to be, even when I don't see immediate results of all the work I'm putting in today, tomorrow, or the next, oh....decade or so.
You are not alone, Mom. And it will get better.
All of my kids are pretty much "big kids" now. My baby will turn five this summer and will head off to the kindergarten in August. In some ways it seems like they are growing so fast; some periods of time from the past nine years of motherhood have become a blur in my memory. But in most ways, I am just so happy to be where we are right exactly now. Everyone can talk, walk, and use the bathroom for themselves. No one has hit the drama and hormones of the pre-teen years yet. Parenthood is never easy, mind you. I have to break up fights over the Wii daily. But I have deemed this the "golden age" and will delight in it while it's here!
So I've been living it up here in pre-school/elementary wonderland, and my little guy and I have been going on fun adventures before he goes to the Big K in the fall. And we've met lots of parents and kiddos doing the same thing. This time around, however, I feel like I am the one who's been around the momma block more than most. I'm the one who's been through the nights of little sleep and toddler-proofing and tantrums and came out wiser and stronger on the other side. Let's face it, while our little darlings learn so much during the first few years of life, the learning curve for parents seems just as steep!
So as I look back on my time as a parent...I remember myself as a new mom barely balancing full time work and irregular hours and pumping breast milk in my car before a meeting and how new and scary everything was even though my little baby girl was well worth any sacrifice. I remember becoming a family of four and how grown-up I thought my tiny 19 month old girl seemed next to her new baby brother. I remember going back to work barely 6 weeks after giving birth so our family would survive and getting a phone call that there was a mistake and I still owed money on my first baby before getting the hospital bills for the second. I remember how having my third baby seemed almost like a vacation in the hospital (A room to myself, room service, and only one child to care for? Cake, I tell you! CAKE!). I remember how freeing it was to know I didn't have to go back to work as I made the transition to stay-at-home mom. Until the months rolled by, and I felt isolated and overwhelmed by three young children who demanded all my time and energy and even the simplest outings led to meltdowns of kids and mom alike.
I love my kids fiercely. All of my kids are beautiful, smart, God-given wonders and there are so many milestones to celebrate during their first years on planet earth...I am incredibly thankful and humbled to be their mom. But early parenthood was hard. Physically hard. Emotionally hard. Financially hard. Plain stinkin' hard. So if your babies have you grasping at the last straws of your sanity...you are certainly among friends here.
I have met those moms who just seem to be supernaturally gifted and love every aspect of being a mom of babies and young children. If that's you, then more power to you, Momma! Rock that spit-up on each shoulder. Truly, I learn a lot from you and am amazed at you. But I think I am just more gifted when it comes to relating to older kids. Kids that understand logic. And empathy. And sarcasm. (Yessss...much sarcasm...) So if you are in survival mode as a parent right now, let me encourage you. You will sleep an entire night again someday. Drool and poo will no longer be on every item of clothing you own. They will not surely die if you allow them to watch an extra hour of TV on difficult days. Give yourself a little grace. You have never been a parent before, and no one has ever parented these particular kids at this particular time before. You can seek good advice, read good parenting books, and Google until the sun goes down and comes back up, and you are still going to make parenting mistakes. But God has entrusted YOU with this child and He will be there even when you feel like another second of parenting will drive you bananas. I love the wording of the NIV version of this Bible verse, "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6) We are responsible for giving them a good start. (Yes, the very best start we can!) But God holds the responsibility of fulfilling his promise.
When I was pretty much hanging on by a thread of the very end of my parenting rope a few years ago, God gave me an excellent vision that illustrates this verse. Now, I'm not usually one who claims visions from God, but during a prayer time at church one evening, my mind clearly saw my kids- beautiful, strong and grown-up- laughing and running towards Jesus with outstretched arms. In that moment, suddenly I saw the fulfillment of that very verse. Not only were my kids not turning away from Christ, they were running full speed toward him! That encourages me to keep being the parent I know I need to be, even when I don't see immediate results of all the work I'm putting in today, tomorrow, or the next, oh....decade or so.
You are not alone, Mom. And it will get better.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Constant God, Part 2
(Note: If you haven't read Constant God, Part 1, I encourage you to do that first. This will make a lot more sense if you do!)
I remember climbing the stairs to the balcony the first Sunday I attended church after my hospital stay. The stairs were so steep. I know I looked the part of a little old lady creeping up a step at a time. I couldn't even stand to worship for the songs. I think I cried at church every single week for a couple months. And it wasn't because I was really that sad or angry. I think I was just utterly physically and emotionally bankrupt,. When you have absolutely nothing to offer to anyone, especially God, the clarity of God's truth and the depth of His love seem much clearer, much deeper...
Let me back up a bit. I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is true and I love Jesus. If you don't believe that at all, or you're figuring out where you stand with the whole religion/God thing, that's cool. I hope you take those kind of things seriously because they effect the decisions you make every day. Just know this is the lens through which I see life and what drives my decisions. For me, life's everyday stuff brings me to decisions like these- Am I going to follow what the Bible says and do my best to line up my thoughts, actions, decisions according to what it says? Am I going to put God first and truly seek what God's will is? Am I going to trust that God has a plan for my life and knows it much better than I do? Or am I going to put myself first and do what I want instead?
So when you find yourself with a chronic disease that really doesn't have a known cause or a cure (although lots of effective treatments and a good chance for long term "remission") there's going to be some "stuff," if you will, that's going to hit the proverbial fan. Most of it is emotional and spiritual. When I started getting better instead of worse, I honestly thought life would return to normal before-sickness-type-life. I was so overjoyed just to be able to do regular things again: go to work, take care of my kids, laugh with my husband. You never know how awesome regular things are until they are taken away. Especially those things about my kids that annoyed me to no end suddenly became a source of thankfulness. I felt so good that I cancelled a follow up appointment early in 2012 with my rhuematologist, convinced that I would be fine. Slowly the number of pills I took each day decreased and my strength increased. I gained back some weight so my clothes were no longer hanging from my body.
But eventually my eye problems came back slowly. My joints, especially my knees, were swollen and painful a lot of the time. Auto-immune diseases are weird. They are systematic so people who tend to have one type of primary problem often have problems in other parts of the body. For me, it's been inflammation of the large intestine that has been fairly easy to control, but inflammation of certain joints and the irises in my eyes that haven't been so easy to control. By May 2012, I was back at the eye doctor and the rheumatologist and trying to find some answers. The first line of attack is controlling things by trying a type of sulfur drug (I take sulfasalazine) which decreases pain and inflammation without a lot of side effects. Some people are on long term steroid use, but the side effects of that are huge and thankfully my case isn't severe enough to justify it. (Look at how educated I've become!!) Anyway, the new meds were somewhat effective and I got through summer 2012, including resigning from my job in Vincennes and moving to Terre Haute. However, as the fall went on, (again, very slowly) things went downhill again. It finally began to sink in that this is not a disease that just goes away. I had been told that, and I could look you in the face and tell you that, but it took over a year to even begin to accept it. Because in so many ways, I'm still me and my life is very much the same, and I don't go to the hospital every week, and I just pace myself a little more. But I realized that my eyes were so bad I was afraid to drive at night because I couldn't read the road signs. I couldn't even read my music anymore. And that I had started spending more and more time in bed again. And the energy had been sucked out of my life.
On a physical level this meant going back to the rheumatologist again and making a decision that I did, in fact, need a higher level of treatment to keep this disease in check. I need an expensive biologic medicine that comes in the form of a three hour IV every eight weeks or so. On an emotional level, it meant accepting that my future may not look exactly the way I imagined. This disease has a mind of its own. I could have flare-ups here and there, I could go into remission and by symptom free for a very long time, or I could deteriorate slowly and go through the gamut of treatments...and if they don't work, they can always remove my colon (Boy does that sound fun!) Whatever happens, my body simply cannot handle going 100 miles an hour all day, every day anymore.
A funny thing happens when the body is forced to slow down and emotions run high. It leaves a lot of time to ponder the spiritual. You must answer the question that most of us are forced to answer at some point, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" And if you are a Christian, that question can be answered in a few ways. You can determine that you have done something that deserves severe punishment and that God is a severe judge and is not love and is cruel to the people he created. You can determine that you simply do not possess the required faith to exact healing. Believe me, I've prayed sincere prayers for healing. I've seen a lot of people pray for physical healing. Sometimes, (even though there's a lot of fake-y fake quacks out there) I believe God does miraculously heal. Sometimes, he doesn't choose to heal during our life on earth. And why is that? Well...I don't really know. I've struggled with that. It doesn't seem fair that wonderful people suffer and die. But I have seen how God takes pain and difficult circumstances and uses it to produce positive things...even beautiful things.
I have seen how my kids have learned to be more independent. Sometimes I simply cannot physically be the parent I want to be. My kids have learned that the world does not always revolve around them and that some of their needs are really wants and that they can do a lot more than they think they can. When I was healthy, I did a lot of things for them simply because it was easier. But they are beginning to figure out that they have an important part in helping our family function. We are a team and sometimes, their role gets a little bigger when Mom is down and out. I have seen how strong and secure the love of my husband is for me. Even when I was underweight, weak, lethargic, mean, with gastric issues, probably needing a bath, and he had put in a full day at work, made dinner for the tenth night in a row and put the kids to bed by himself AGAIN (Um, not exactly a dream girl!), he would look into my eyes and tell me how pretty I was. And I knew he meant it. And he still does that. That, girls, is LOVE.
And then there's me. Happy, independent, confident me. Who feels pretty good about the work she does to help others. Who has always been complimented by her bosses even though I've never made the big bucks. Who always did well in school. Who seems to get along with people pretty easily. Who has been blessed with creativity and musicality and a decent brain. Who had a great childhood. Who had text book pregnancies. Who never had anything more than strep throat or the stomach flu. Who has a wonderful husband, kids, church, friends and life. Yet...struggled sometimes with being content, grateful or happy at all. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? But it's all about that central question for Christians- Am I living for self? Or am I living for God? When everything is going well, it is so very, very easy to rely on yourself and not on God. I have been a Christian long enough to know that when I'm at the center of my life, somewhere deep inside I know something is out of whack. When my identity is shaky, so is my mental well being. If the world rises and falls around only my actions, my successes, my failures, that's a lot of pressure! So I'm either a big puffed up jerky ball of pride because I think I'm awesome all the time, or I'm an utter and useless failure when I made a mistake or things aren't going the way I want them to. But when I'm sick, I simply don't have the physical capacity to handle my life anymore. That brings me to a decision: I can call God a liar and throw myself the biggest pity party on the planet and become bitter and resentful about my health....or...I can trust that God is going to bring me through this and that He really does know far more than I do about everything, that He loves me even more than my husband, and that He has many purposes still left for me on earth to fufill. I chose the second one. And I find that I have more joy, more peace, less self-pity and less depression even on days that I feel like crapola. It also doesn't hurt that I'm forced to rest sometimes, or ask for help and see all the truly kind and helpful people around me, or prioritize and do only the most important things and let some of the less important things go.
It seems odd that chronic disease has somehow made me more positive. But before you schedule a therapy session for me, consider this. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Right before these verses, the apostle Paul explains that he has a "thorn in his flesh." I know there's a lot of speculation about what exactly he means by that phrase or whether or not it was a physical affliction, but regardless, it bothered Paul so much that he asked God three times to take it away. And God didn't. And Paul decided to delight in it? And use it for God's glory? So counter-culture. So hard.
So if you've ran into me during the past few months at the grocery store, or if you're a new friend, or I wrote something very cryptic on facebook and you scratched your head in confusion...This is kind of the stuff I want to tell you about but is incredibly awkward to work into any conversation less than an hour long. Just putting words to it helps ME understand the whole process. And I've got a long way to go. But for now, the infusions are doing their job and aside from throwing my back out last week, I've felt really good for the past couple months! My rheumatologist said my last blood tests show I'm a "normal" person. (HA! Define normal...)
So to recap Constant God I and II: Lots of stuff has changed in my life over the last 1.5 years. Mostly, my health is questionable. But my God is constant. Let the blogging continue.
I remember climbing the stairs to the balcony the first Sunday I attended church after my hospital stay. The stairs were so steep. I know I looked the part of a little old lady creeping up a step at a time. I couldn't even stand to worship for the songs. I think I cried at church every single week for a couple months. And it wasn't because I was really that sad or angry. I think I was just utterly physically and emotionally bankrupt,. When you have absolutely nothing to offer to anyone, especially God, the clarity of God's truth and the depth of His love seem much clearer, much deeper...
Let me back up a bit. I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is true and I love Jesus. If you don't believe that at all, or you're figuring out where you stand with the whole religion/God thing, that's cool. I hope you take those kind of things seriously because they effect the decisions you make every day. Just know this is the lens through which I see life and what drives my decisions. For me, life's everyday stuff brings me to decisions like these- Am I going to follow what the Bible says and do my best to line up my thoughts, actions, decisions according to what it says? Am I going to put God first and truly seek what God's will is? Am I going to trust that God has a plan for my life and knows it much better than I do? Or am I going to put myself first and do what I want instead?
So when you find yourself with a chronic disease that really doesn't have a known cause or a cure (although lots of effective treatments and a good chance for long term "remission") there's going to be some "stuff," if you will, that's going to hit the proverbial fan. Most of it is emotional and spiritual. When I started getting better instead of worse, I honestly thought life would return to normal before-sickness-type-life. I was so overjoyed just to be able to do regular things again: go to work, take care of my kids, laugh with my husband. You never know how awesome regular things are until they are taken away. Especially those things about my kids that annoyed me to no end suddenly became a source of thankfulness. I felt so good that I cancelled a follow up appointment early in 2012 with my rhuematologist, convinced that I would be fine. Slowly the number of pills I took each day decreased and my strength increased. I gained back some weight so my clothes were no longer hanging from my body.
But eventually my eye problems came back slowly. My joints, especially my knees, were swollen and painful a lot of the time. Auto-immune diseases are weird. They are systematic so people who tend to have one type of primary problem often have problems in other parts of the body. For me, it's been inflammation of the large intestine that has been fairly easy to control, but inflammation of certain joints and the irises in my eyes that haven't been so easy to control. By May 2012, I was back at the eye doctor and the rheumatologist and trying to find some answers. The first line of attack is controlling things by trying a type of sulfur drug (I take sulfasalazine) which decreases pain and inflammation without a lot of side effects. Some people are on long term steroid use, but the side effects of that are huge and thankfully my case isn't severe enough to justify it. (Look at how educated I've become!!) Anyway, the new meds were somewhat effective and I got through summer 2012, including resigning from my job in Vincennes and moving to Terre Haute. However, as the fall went on, (again, very slowly) things went downhill again. It finally began to sink in that this is not a disease that just goes away. I had been told that, and I could look you in the face and tell you that, but it took over a year to even begin to accept it. Because in so many ways, I'm still me and my life is very much the same, and I don't go to the hospital every week, and I just pace myself a little more. But I realized that my eyes were so bad I was afraid to drive at night because I couldn't read the road signs. I couldn't even read my music anymore. And that I had started spending more and more time in bed again. And the energy had been sucked out of my life.
On a physical level this meant going back to the rheumatologist again and making a decision that I did, in fact, need a higher level of treatment to keep this disease in check. I need an expensive biologic medicine that comes in the form of a three hour IV every eight weeks or so. On an emotional level, it meant accepting that my future may not look exactly the way I imagined. This disease has a mind of its own. I could have flare-ups here and there, I could go into remission and by symptom free for a very long time, or I could deteriorate slowly and go through the gamut of treatments...and if they don't work, they can always remove my colon (Boy does that sound fun!) Whatever happens, my body simply cannot handle going 100 miles an hour all day, every day anymore.
A funny thing happens when the body is forced to slow down and emotions run high. It leaves a lot of time to ponder the spiritual. You must answer the question that most of us are forced to answer at some point, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" And if you are a Christian, that question can be answered in a few ways. You can determine that you have done something that deserves severe punishment and that God is a severe judge and is not love and is cruel to the people he created. You can determine that you simply do not possess the required faith to exact healing. Believe me, I've prayed sincere prayers for healing. I've seen a lot of people pray for physical healing. Sometimes, (even though there's a lot of fake-y fake quacks out there) I believe God does miraculously heal. Sometimes, he doesn't choose to heal during our life on earth. And why is that? Well...I don't really know. I've struggled with that. It doesn't seem fair that wonderful people suffer and die. But I have seen how God takes pain and difficult circumstances and uses it to produce positive things...even beautiful things.
I have seen how my kids have learned to be more independent. Sometimes I simply cannot physically be the parent I want to be. My kids have learned that the world does not always revolve around them and that some of their needs are really wants and that they can do a lot more than they think they can. When I was healthy, I did a lot of things for them simply because it was easier. But they are beginning to figure out that they have an important part in helping our family function. We are a team and sometimes, their role gets a little bigger when Mom is down and out. I have seen how strong and secure the love of my husband is for me. Even when I was underweight, weak, lethargic, mean, with gastric issues, probably needing a bath, and he had put in a full day at work, made dinner for the tenth night in a row and put the kids to bed by himself AGAIN (Um, not exactly a dream girl!), he would look into my eyes and tell me how pretty I was. And I knew he meant it. And he still does that. That, girls, is LOVE.
And then there's me. Happy, independent, confident me. Who feels pretty good about the work she does to help others. Who has always been complimented by her bosses even though I've never made the big bucks. Who always did well in school. Who seems to get along with people pretty easily. Who has been blessed with creativity and musicality and a decent brain. Who had a great childhood. Who had text book pregnancies. Who never had anything more than strep throat or the stomach flu. Who has a wonderful husband, kids, church, friends and life. Yet...struggled sometimes with being content, grateful or happy at all. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? But it's all about that central question for Christians- Am I living for self? Or am I living for God? When everything is going well, it is so very, very easy to rely on yourself and not on God. I have been a Christian long enough to know that when I'm at the center of my life, somewhere deep inside I know something is out of whack. When my identity is shaky, so is my mental well being. If the world rises and falls around only my actions, my successes, my failures, that's a lot of pressure! So I'm either a big puffed up jerky ball of pride because I think I'm awesome all the time, or I'm an utter and useless failure when I made a mistake or things aren't going the way I want them to. But when I'm sick, I simply don't have the physical capacity to handle my life anymore. That brings me to a decision: I can call God a liar and throw myself the biggest pity party on the planet and become bitter and resentful about my health....or...I can trust that God is going to bring me through this and that He really does know far more than I do about everything, that He loves me even more than my husband, and that He has many purposes still left for me on earth to fufill. I chose the second one. And I find that I have more joy, more peace, less self-pity and less depression even on days that I feel like crapola. It also doesn't hurt that I'm forced to rest sometimes, or ask for help and see all the truly kind and helpful people around me, or prioritize and do only the most important things and let some of the less important things go.
It seems odd that chronic disease has somehow made me more positive. But before you schedule a therapy session for me, consider this. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Right before these verses, the apostle Paul explains that he has a "thorn in his flesh." I know there's a lot of speculation about what exactly he means by that phrase or whether or not it was a physical affliction, but regardless, it bothered Paul so much that he asked God three times to take it away. And God didn't. And Paul decided to delight in it? And use it for God's glory? So counter-culture. So hard.
So if you've ran into me during the past few months at the grocery store, or if you're a new friend, or I wrote something very cryptic on facebook and you scratched your head in confusion...This is kind of the stuff I want to tell you about but is incredibly awkward to work into any conversation less than an hour long. Just putting words to it helps ME understand the whole process. And I've got a long way to go. But for now, the infusions are doing their job and aside from throwing my back out last week, I've felt really good for the past couple months! My rheumatologist said my last blood tests show I'm a "normal" person. (HA! Define normal...)
So to recap Constant God I and II: Lots of stuff has changed in my life over the last 1.5 years. Mostly, my health is questionable. But my God is constant. Let the blogging continue.
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